The Bullwinkle Chronicle

A wise man once preached ‘Heed a wise man’s word and thou shalt not suffer the toils of misfortune’.  Yes, it is I, the wise man himself, who spake these priceless words! I come to impart the invaluable wisdom I possess, on the mere mortals who languish in the dearth thereof. Thou shalt learn of the verity in my dictum which shalt be illustrated through this tale. So, friends and my fellow blogsmen! Lend me thine ears…err…eyes!

Okay! Okay! I know, I would be charged guilty of abetting suicide/murder/murder-suicide if anyone read that ‘maashturpees’ in the archaic language! So, let me get straight to the point in plain English.

Approaching women and the subsequent courtship ritual has, honestly, never been my forte. I wouldn’t exactly categorize myself as being ‘mirror-cracking material’ (as orkut may have you describe yourself!), but for some god-forsaken reason, I’m just not so much of a ladies man, as much as I’d love to be. But then, who wouldn’t! This incident bears blaring testimony to my ineptitude, when it comes to women. So, read on and learn how ‘NOT’ to try snaring the opposite sex!

It was a very special evening for my friend J. He graduated from our university with a Masters in CS and also secured a job with a fat pay-cheque in Houston. He was to leave the next day. So, he decided to celebrate his success with H and myself. (H is my childhood friend, current roommate and J’s research team mate). We hit the most ‘happening’ pub called ‘Bullwinkles’, in our otherwise dead town. Being that it was a Friday night, it was cluttered and was in chaos. We snaked through the dancing crowds to the bar, which was an accomplishment in itself!! My friends ordered their drinks and I mine, a Sprite! (One Sprite plisss! Fullllu cooling I waant!)

With a live band playing, the crowd was appropriately loud. We were having a good time too, watching all the immaculately dressed sorority sisters get drunk and crazy on the floor. We were occasionally attempting our own Indian foxtrot ourselves! We were cheering and swearing on top of our voices in Hindi, Telugu and Punjabi (courtesy J)! Some of the really hot white girls around us also attempted it, further butchering the already nasty expletives! It was fun!

An hour passed. Drained from all the screaming and the labour of ‘dancing’, we made ourselves comfortable at the bar. J and H had downed a couple of beers and I, a couple of more Sprites. H received a call and J was also deeply engrossed in conversation with someone when, I noticed behind me, two girls whispering to each other. One of them, a blonde, was HOT! Incredibly HOT! She is probably one of the reasons for the earth’s melting ice-caps! (I know that was unbelievably cheesy and puke-worthy! I really couldn’t think of a better metaphor. So, bear with me.) What’s more! She happened to notice me too (or so it seemed). I believed she did. Nothing at that moment could have convinced me otherwise. The last thing on my mind at that point were the odds of my landing someone that stunning! Anyway, I was on top of the world! Some thanking of the divine ensued (Wo Gaaad!! A HAAAT girl noticed me! Thank you very much! I will break 101 coconuts at yuvar temple next time!!. *beaming, as ‘Mohana‘ raga plays in the backgorund*).

Well, after the initial exchange of stealing glances, I threw her a firm ‘How-you-doin’ look (Yes, I watch FRIENDS!).

No response, except for a plastic smile! Did that scare her? Or did I do it wrong? I don’t know and I had no time to dwell on it.

As I prepared for the next move, she groaned, “I’m sooo tired! I wanna go home and crash. Sigh!”

And guess how yours truly responded to that – “I’m here and I’m all yours!” (YES!! ‘That’ was my ruse! *slapping forehead*) What was I thinking? Well, obviously, I wasn’t thinking!

Her response: “EXXCUUUUSE MEEEE?”

A frown of disgust compounded with anger played on her otherwise pleasant countenance. She went pink!

DAMAGE CONTROL!

RECALCULATING!

FATAL ERROR!

MISSION ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

I just turned away to avoid her glower, waiting for a speeding train to knock me down! (Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!! – my dysfunctional brain urged).

H and J were so amused that they were literally rolling on the floor laughing. They looked like they were going to die laughing (Don’t loff. Don’t loff, I say!).

Talk about getting drunk on ‘Sprite’ (of all things!)!! *slapping forehead until it gets sore!*

Who’s the sober one again?

Great! Just Great!

Lessons learnt:

1. When a beautiful girl tells you that she’s tired and wants go home and crash, it means she wants to go home and sleep. It DOES NOT mean she wants to sleep with you!
2. Do not assume that all hot blondes are dumb. There are non-dumb blondes as well!
3. Think before you utter anything. Cheesy, suggestive remarks/pick-up lines may not be received well, regardless of whether or not they are intended. And don’t throw yourself on her!
4. You CAN get drunk on Sprite!

Ergo, remember what ‘NOT’ to do when you approach an attractive woman. Play by the classic rules of courtship. Don’t ask me “what classic rules?”. Do I look like I know?

PS: @ Orkut: Which self-respecting person describes himself/herself as “mirror-cracking” material? Ans: I do, from now on!