The Bullwinkle Chronicle

Posted: August 8, 2008 in the aaposit seks
Tags: , , , , , ,

A wise man once preached ‘Heed a wise man’s word and thou shalt not suffer the toils of misfortune’.  Yes, it is I, the wise man himself, who spake these priceless words! I come to impart the invaluable wisdom I possess, on the mere mortals who languish in the dearth thereof. Thou shalt learn of the verity in my dictum which shalt be illustrated through this tale. So, friends and my fellow blogsmen! Lend me thine ears…err…eyes!

Okay! Okay! I know, I would be charged guilty of abetting suicide/murder/murder-suicide if anyone read that ‘maashturpees’ in the archaic language! So, let me get straight to the point in plain English.

Approaching women and the subsequent courtship ritual has, honestly, never been my forte. I wouldn’t exactly categorize myself as being ‘mirror-cracking material’ (as orkut may have you describe yourself!), but for some god-forsaken reason, I’m just not so much of a ladies man, as much as I’d love to be. But then, who wouldn’t! This incident bears blaring testimony to my ineptitude, when it comes to women. So, read on and learn how ‘NOT’ to try snaring the opposite sex!

It was a very special evening for my friend J. He graduated from our university with a Masters in CS and also secured a job with a fat pay-cheque in Houston. He was to leave the next day. So, he decided to celebrate his success with H and myself. (H is my childhood friend, current roommate and J’s research team mate). We hit the most ‘happening’ pub called ‘Bullwinkles’, in our otherwise dead town. Being that it was a Friday night, it was cluttered and was in chaos. We snaked through the dancing crowds to the bar, which was an accomplishment in itself!! My friends ordered their drinks and I mine, a Sprite! (One Sprite plisss! Fullllu cooling I waant!)

With a live band playing, the crowd was appropriately loud. We were having a good time too, watching all the immaculately dressed sorority sisters get drunk and crazy on the floor. We were occasionally attempting our own Indian foxtrot ourselves! We were cheering and swearing on top of our voices in Hindi, Telugu and Punjabi (courtesy J)! Some of the really hot white girls around us also attempted it, further butchering the already nasty expletives! It was fun!

An hour passed. Drained from all the screaming and the labour of ‘dancing’, we made ourselves comfortable at the bar. J and H had downed a couple of beers and I, a couple of more Sprites. H received a call and J was also deeply engrossed in conversation with someone when, I noticed behind me, two girls whispering to each other. One of them, a blonde, was HOT! Incredibly HOT! She is probably one of the reasons for the earth’s melting ice-caps! (I know that was unbelievably cheesy and puke-worthy! I really couldn’t think of a better metaphor. So, bear with me.) What’s more! She happened to notice me too (or so it seemed). I believed she did. Nothing at that moment could have convinced me otherwise. The last thing on my mind at that point were the odds of my landing someone that stunning! Anyway, I was on top of the world! Some thanking of the divine ensued (Wo Gaaad!! A HAAAT girl noticed me! Thank you very much! I will break 101 coconuts at yuvar temple next time!!. *beaming, as ‘Mohana‘ raga plays in the backgorund*).

Well, after the initial exchange of stealing glances, I threw her a firm ‘How-you-doin’ look (Yes, I watch FRIENDS!).

No response, except for a plastic smile! Did that scare her? Or did I do it wrong? I don’t know and I had no time to dwell on it.

As I prepared for the next move, she groaned, “I’m sooo tired! I wanna go home and crash. Sigh!”

And guess how yours truly responded to that – “I’m here and I’m all yours!” (YES!! ‘That’ was my ruse! *slapping forehead*) What was I thinking? Well, obviously, I wasn’t thinking!

Her response: “EXXCUUUUSE MEEEE?”

A frown of disgust compounded with anger played on her otherwise pleasant countenance. She went pink!

DAMAGE CONTROL!

RECALCULATING!

FATAL ERROR!

MISSION ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!

I just turned away to avoid her glower, waiting for a speeding train to knock me down! (Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!! – my dysfunctional brain urged).

H and J were so amused that they were literally rolling on the floor laughing. They looked like they were going to die laughing (Don’t loff. Don’t loff, I say!).

Talk about getting drunk on ‘Sprite’ (of all things!)!! *slapping forehead until it gets sore!*

Who’s the sober one again?

Great! Just Great!

Lessons learnt:

  1. When a beautiful girl tells you that she’s tired and wants go home and crash, it means she wants to go home and sleep. It DOES NOT mean she wants to sleep with you!
  2. Do not assume that all hot blondes are dumb. There are non-dumb blondes as well!
  3. Think before you utter anything. Cheesy, suggestive remarks/pick-up lines may not be received well, regardless of whether or not they are intended. And don’t throw yourself on her!
  4. You CAN get drunk on Sprite!

Ergo, remember what ‘NOT’ to do when you approach an attractive woman. Play by the classic rules of courtship. Don’t ask me “what classic rules?”. Do I look like I know?

PS: @ Orkut: Which self-respecting person describes himself/herself as “mirror-cracking” material? Ans: I do, from now on!

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Comments
  1. maxdavinci says:

    It seems a lot funnier when I read it as opposed to when you told me over the fone! Incase you failed to comprehend, it’s a compliment that you write well…

    But then you need to hit the bars again and perfect your technique, just for kicks!

    Thanks a lot and advise taken!

  2. 'B' from previous post says:

    U SAID THAT…
    it was so hilarious reading this post. i thought only blondes were dumb…
    BTW, a small suggestion, instead of calling ur characters as J and H, give them some aliases, like john and harry…
    nice post and a good one to start my weekend.

    I’ll think about the aliases next time. Thanks and yea there are dumber people in this carzy world than blondes!

  3. 'B' from previous post says:

    Comment test 1-2-3.. why dint my previous comment show up…

    Sorry about that. The comments don’t show up until I moderate them.

  4. LOL – This is better than my ‘Shock & Awe’ episode.

    I’d have said, “Long day or early night?” If she was interested, she’d have gone on and on and that would’ve been your in. If not, you’d know right away that she’s not into you.

    Don’t u think I’d have done better if I were actually thinking at that moment? Sigh! U’re rubbing it in! 😦

  5. Oh, and I’d have corrected my statement to “I’m here until they close.” In the din, she would’ve thought she misheard you the first time(unless you were whispering to her earlier!)

    Whispering? I said it out so loud that I actually got a repulsive look from her friend too. I didn’t want to write about that, but u made me reveal it! Damn!! X-(

  6. chutney says:

    too funny! 😀

    Thanks for deriving pleasure out of my misery! 😦 (sniff! sniff!)

  7. Srividya says:

    Are you serious? Kakaaaaaaaaa 😀 Hilarious man! I canNOT believe you said that to her!!! 😀

    Better luck next time kaks :D!

    PS: Thanks for the comments kaka! 🙂 I did check before I posted you a reply though. When I said ‘did you post any comments btw?’ I meant, ‘I saw that someone named K had posted comments on me blog. Was that you?’; NOT ‘Did you or did you not post any comments on me blog you @#@#*&$, ‘coz I sure am taking the trouble to visit your writings!’ 😀 I hope you got that! 😀
    Yea I did! Please don’t tell anyone! 😛 & Thanks!

  8. Mr.H says:

    okie.first of all its “amma oka spirte , baah cooling vundali amma’
    and secondly i never downed beers. If ur memry servers, i was just sipping on water. so ahem ahem! please dont maline my character 😛 .
    and clearly uve done a great job masking the true identity of your characters.KTB!
    From next time i would liked to be called Mr.D
    I translated that man, hence the English version! About u having beers, sorry kakaa, I just took the liberty in tweaking a few minor details not intended at ‘maligning’ ur character! No hard feelings! Besides, whose character maligning are we talking about in this pot anyway?

  9. Mr.D says:

    Finally comment. the girl didnt go EXCUSE ME, she just smiled and saaid may be some other time…dude seriously sprite is giving u memory leaks man!
    again i must say KTB

    FYI – No, she didn’t say that! She did say “Excuse Me”, may be not as dramatically as I made it sound, but close! & yea, KTB only!!

  10. Jasbinder Bali says:

    ——————————————————
    So I am the J (Jasbinder Bali) in the story and I can testify to what K (Karthik) has written here ( 98% correct though ). Was there any K in your story Karthik? lol @ J and H. I really wanted to expand H here. Big lol @ H now.
    —————————————————–

    This calls for a big WOW !! Good job writing the whole episode so beautifully. You have some extra ordinary writing skills Karthik. No wonder you changed traits at FSU 🙂 Now I see where it came from.

    As far as I remember she just gave you a smile after you threw “I’m all yours” flower on her. Or may be I was too drunk or it was too loud over there for me to hear her properly. But she was happy for you to say that, believe me. Some healthy perseverance would have gotten you laid for sure 😉 I was really shocked at the first instance and then started feeling proud of you at the second instance that you had already started playing your cards on blondes.

    Again, good job and keep throwing that “I’m all yours” flower and one day it will definitely work.

    Thanks for the contribution Bali’ji’!! X-( & Thanks for sabotaging my efforts to conceal identities (so much for my unimaginative naming of the characters with their initials!)! Grrrrrr…….

  11. shaun says:

    Moral of the story == Beware of caffeine free sodas. I was jst wondering , what would have happened if a guy happened to say to K whatevr the girl said . We should experiment on him again to know the sprite effect in this scenario ;).

    WWHHHAAATTT NAANSENSE! RAASKULL!! No amount of any inebriating drink could make me hit on a guy! I’d rather have rat poison mixed with cyanide before I do, hell!! even contemplate, such a thing!! bbbbuuuuuwwwwaaaaaakkkkkkk….*throwing up my bowels*
    Looks like you’re the one who’s interested in it, so why not experiment with you? mmmm? fair enough no? Since you already saw the sprite effect on me…..
    Sprite effect anta…..Raaascaalll! Go have sprite, naansense warasht fellow!! X-(

  12. nikhil says:

    y am i not surprised….
    it is soooooo U
    making an ass out of urself again n again
    i so hate to say tht i know u … get laaaasht

    eh u vonly get laasht!

  13. shaun says:

    I neva told wht the effect might be. Why r u soo guilty (u might ignore him). The Sprite effect pertains to the one and only K, it wont have any effect on anyone else and I don’t drink non caffeine sodas :D, so thnks for the offer, thou have enough evidence to prove myself to be straight.

    Firstly, if it were a guy, I woudn’t even have noticed him, so the rest of the sequence doesn’t make any sense!

  14. buddy says:

    lol…
    hilarious
    PS: i call myslef mirror cracking too 😀

    Welcome to the ‘mirror-cracking’ club!

  15. Prashanth says:

    Wokay…from what I see in the comments section.. seems like it worked!

    May be it was too untrue to believe!

    I wish! but no, it didn’t work, why would I be cribbing like this if it had worked. Ok, may be she didn’t react as dramatically as I described, but still.

  16. Indraneel says:

    Hi ra,
    Nice blog! very well written.

    Those pronunciations and the slaps on the forehead( with probably an ‘ayyoo raama’).. totally you..

    Hey Indraneel, nice to finally hear from you! Thanks for dropping by. So ‘me’, huh? Yea, I guess you’re right.

  17. Crakpot says:

    Hahahaaa!!! I cant stop laughing at this post. I seriously wudnt have ever imagined you in such a situation. Anyways….better luck next time!Seriously!!

    Thanks but I don’t think I’ll be attempting any such feat anytime soon. But yea, laugh, laugh!! 😦

  18. rads says:

    LOL! I had such a good laugh, after a long time! Thank you 🙂

    Thank you to you too, for deriving pleasure out of my pain! 😛

  19. Vats says:

    Hahahaha!! ROFLMAO!!

    Dude….atleast see the silver lining! You made a move…and that means you are way better now at this than you ever were back in college!!

    And it just stuck me! Kaka….U must blog about the “Ranking system” which was devised!! Thts the closest we ever came to doin this kinda thing!

    Yea, I guess you’re right! I should at least pat myself for trying, in spite of the disastrous consequences. And yea, the ‘Ranking scale’ coming soon. I need more details though, coz time has blunted my memory! 😛

  20. Prashant says:

    oye karthik….awesome narration of the incident ……can never imagine u trying to snare bolnds[:P]….neways gud luck in ur future endeavours……btw did u actually say tht to her at the end ??????????

    Thanks a lot and yes I said that to her! Please don’t rub it in! 😛 😦

  21. som says:

    Jump n Do . U really did it this time then. We are so proud of u, my foool blessing with u whenever u try this again, i hope the reply is whtevr u dream not expect!!!!!!

    Thank you for the blessings, Your Holiness! But I don’t think I’ll be daring a stunt of this kind anytime soon! 😀

  22. […] there’s no better way! And coup de grâce! This one! Sums you up in one […]

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