Aeyi Raju! Chal Nikaal!

Posted: September 22, 2008 in Ohohoho...whaatt-a-funny!, Out of the ordinary
Tags: , , ,

Let me assure you that the not-so-subtly suggestive title will slowly begin to make sense as you read on. The subject matter of this post is not particularly objectionable but may seem marginally racy to some. But what the hell! This is my page and I’ll write whatever I damn well please! So, here I go!

As someone who has lived in India for 22 years, I can, with unquestionable certainty, establish that every one of us has, at some point in time, encountered a group of eunuchs or hijras. It could be on the train, in a busy market, at bus stops, near temples, at a North Indian function – it could be anywhere, but seen them, you must have. Don’t deny it! I know it. (They are called kojjas in Telugu, which sounds more ethnically-cool. So, I will be using its abbreviation ‘KJ’ throughout this post to address them.) KJs attack you with a formidable weapon – a discordant ensemble of claps and cochlea-rupturing voices (no offence to them, but when they sing, they are sure to cause an ear-haemorrhage!) demanding money for their unearthly ‘choir performance’. They are almost always in groups waiting to ambush their prey. They catch you in the unguarded moment and come clapping and singing. They shower all sorts of blessings on you and go “Aeyi Rajaa! Chal dena. Mera Rajaa!” as the clapping persists, sometimes adding lewd gestures (read ‘threats’) to frighten you. You would be better advised to turn in the first big note your hand chances upon in your pockets as you grope. If you deny them the privilege, then be prepared to be violated, for the ‘gestures’ will no longer be just ‘gestures’, if you know what I mean! I believe, lessons are better taught with anecdotes. So, I shall take that route to elucidate.

I was traveling to Chennai from Hyderabad by the ‘Chennai Express’ which never started or reached the destination on time. In keeping with its own tradition, it was late that day too. Certain towns on its route are notorious for their exacting cabals of Super-KJs. Nellore is one such town which is supposed to pass at around 3 am, but never did. You could sleep in peace if it did. KJs aren’t nocturnal train attackers, apparently. Anyway, that day, the train arrived at Nellore at around 7 am and, as you might expect, an army of KJs boarded the train. With their inveterate clapping, singing and blessing, they combed every coach and every cabin pursing all the money they could from their helpless audience. As I heard their melodious voices from the other end of the compartment, I crammed all the 100s and 500s into my suitcase and pulled out a 10 as a token of my generosity for the promotion of the timeless art they were inevitably going to perform. I prepared myself for the ensuing concert by plugging my ears. The guy sitting on the opposite berth was unaffected by the preparations everyone around was making. He gave me a cocky look with a smirk that said ‘You silly! I can’t believe you’re afraid of them. Look at me, I’m a superhero, the invincible Shun-KJ-man’. I threw him an even cockier look clubbed with pity, that said ‘We’ll see who survives, you or Super-KJ’. And the troupe arrived, gave a memorable performance, gave themselves an applause and then it was collection time! Everyone chipped in their share of the mandatory donations. Our Shun-KJ-man’s cocky indifference irked Super-KJ and his(er) troupe.

The conversation: Super-KJ had a thick Nellore accent in Telugu.

Super-KJ: Aeyi, Saaruk Kaan, teeyi dabbulu. (Aeyi, Shahrukh Khan, out with the money!) *clap, clap*

Shun-KJ: Chillara ledamma. (I don’t have any change.) *contemptuous look*

Super-KJ: Oyabboo! Yeme, Vijaya. Vintiva? Sillara ledanta Sakti Kapooru daggara. Igo abbaya! rendu, aidu chillara teeste, muddu pedata emanukunnavo! Notelu teeyi! (What? Vijaya, you heard him? He has no change. Look Shakti Kapoor, if you show me measly change of two or five, I’ll give you a kiss. Gimme bills!) *playfully caresses Shun-KJ’s cheek*

Me (thinking): Shakti Kapoor? *trying hard to repress a guffaw* (This was the time when Shakti Kapoor made news for all the wrong reasons, hence, was known even in the south.)

Shun-KJ-man’s cockiness and superhero-ish machismo flash-evaporated at the threat of a kiss. His face suddenly wore a flushed look of morbid terror as his hands frantically groped for money. He pulled the first note in his shirt pocket and handed it over without even looking at it. I noticed that it was a 50. Super-KJ and the troupe gladly accepted their reward. In return, Super-KJ tenderly brushed his(er) palm against Shun-KJ’s cheek, gave it a caress and winked at him before they left.

I was still trying really hard to suppress my laughter that was waiting to burst. I decided to play the meanie for a bit. I noticed Super-KJ and the troupe in the next cabin engrossed in their performance routine. I patted Shun-KJ on the shoulder and said “Sir. Pilustunnaru!” (Sir. They’re calling you!) as I pointed to the troupe and guess what happened! The guy turned around and one of the Super-KJs happened to notice him. (S)He winked at him blowing him a kiss! Shun-KJ simpered and donned an I’ve-seen-enough-of-this-cruel-world-I-no-longer-have-the-will-to-live kinda look. I ran to the bathroom, laughed till my guts hurt and returned to my seat. And every time I’d look at the guy, the name ‘Shakti Kapoor’ would start ringing in my head and I would stifle another fit of laughter. This went on until I reached Chennai. The moment I got off the train, I burst into a laughter frenzy.

The following incident also occured on the same train but at a different time. Nine of us were headed to IIT-Madras to represent our college at “Saarang ’04”, their annual cultural fest. The train halted at Guntur, a major junction which arrives at around 9 pm (not too late for KJ revelries, as it turned out!). A battalion of Super-KJs had already begun their ‘Operation Clap-dance’. Three of the guys from our group were at the door of the compartment smoking, while the remaining six of us gathered into one cabin cracking raunchy jokes on each other. As the bettalion drew close, five of us prepared for the imminent third-degree torture. The sixth guy, who happens to be one of my best friends, sat there like another Shun-KJ-man. The KJ Regiment arrived, did their little gig and came to each of us showering blessings, stuffing our money into their saris. When it was my friend’s turn, he brusquely replied, “Ledu, pomma” (I don’t have anything. Just go!)

Super-KJ: Aeyi, Ritik Row-sun! Enti? Leva? Naa chiknaa, teeyi, untayi choodu. (Aeyi Hritik Roshan! What? Don’t tell me you don’t have anything. Look closely, you’ll find something, my cutie-pie!) *clap, clap*

My friend: Ekkadinunchi vastaru raa babu! (Where do these people come from man!) *indignantly, turning to the guy next to him*

In a display of annoyance, displeasure at my friends remark, one of the Super-KJ’s did something unthinkable.

(S)he said “Ekkadinuncha? Ikkadinunchi.” (From where? From here!) *Lifts up the sari upto the waist, as (s)he faces my friend*

The jolt he got from that little ‘flash’ of anatomy, seems to have snapped a few of his neural synapses. I think he still suffers from that slight loss of sanity sometimes! Poor guy! The kind of things he brought himself to see! He was obviously the butt of all the jokes for the entire trip that followed. I still pull his leg over it!

So there, people! Lessons from KJland! Next time you come across KJs, don’t disrespect them. They may not be very receptive of it. They have weapons against which even the most powerful nuke would disarm itself! Don’t try to act snooty with them, they know how to pull you down. Act wise and save your eyes (from having to watch something ghastly!). Let the ‘lewd gestures’ remain gestures!

Here’s a song that teaches you the lessons you need even more lucidly (Please excuse the obscenity in the video)! Yenjaai and learn! 😀

PS: No hate mails/comments will be tolerated. This post was inspired by this one.

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Comments
  1. Crakpot says:

    ROFL @ shakthi kapoor. 😀 And your post is just hillarious. I love reading your posts as always 🙂

    When I was in India, a hijda walks up to my cousin and me asking for money. We were waiting for the signal and when I saw him/her approaching the car I took out some notes that I had. When s/he came towards us though my cousin plainly refused and closed the window of the car. I was freaked out thinking about what could’ve happened, but thankfully that man or woman just walked away….so I guess its not bad all the time!

    And yea…I just saw welcome to sajjanpur and am so in love with the song munni ki baari.

    Thanks! Your cousin just got lucky! 😀 I haven’t watched it, will watch and let you know!

  2. maxdavinci says:

    Was KJ an intentional reference to a famous director whose movies start with the letter ‘K’?

    I’m sure Ritik row-sun would have his own version of the eye-opening yekuspeerence!

    I’m glad u not writing morbid stuff anymore…

    Well, I never thought of the reference. Now that you mention it, let’s make it one. He is after all, a role model for all KJs across the world! And yea, I’m all ears for our Ritik Rowsun’s version! This is what I remember of the incident!

  3. Chutney says:

    Lol! Worey the kaamedy post ya. I likes 😀

    Thank you ya! 😀 More kaamedy posts lined up!

  4. buddy says:

    namaskaramfies
    amazing! too funny…i was actually laughing at the screen 😀 😀
    lucid and a different style of writing!
    i likes too

    Thank you! Thank you! Haanured, I say! 😀

  5. Adithya says:

    Lol, awesome! Total ROFL only. Poor friend of yours!

    Actually, they are very intelligent. Once, my uncle and aunt were visiting us in Bombay. Uncle, aunt and myself were returning from someplace in an auto rickshaw. At the signal, a bunch of them came and usually, they ask for something in Hindi and since it was my school route, it was a daily affair known to me and my mom. But that day, they looked at uncle and aunt and started talking in Tamil! Not only that, one of them said, “Iyer mama! Kudunga(Give something)!” …My eyes popped out man! How the hell did they know! Lol!

    P.S

    Saarang regular??

    Thank u! And yea, I’ve heard similar stories about Mumbai KJs! Man, are they intelligent or what! Somewhere I hear claps of glee, at your acknowledgment of their intelligence! 😀
    @ PS: Not so much. I went twice, that’s all.

  6. Priya says:

    haha, fortunately I did not face any revelations, but are they a persuasive lot or what! But its also sad to see them that way, their only means of survival I guess. I read somewhere that in some towns giving KJ’s money on auspicious occasions is considered good luck and so the govt office informs them of functions around the area so they can go and ask for money, unofficially ofcourse.
    Nice post! Any mention of Hyd and I’m all ears 🙂

    Good, and I hope you never get to face to such revelations! Well, they are not persuasive per se, but are very exacting, the ‘Cough up or face it’ kind! And yea, in North india, they are ritually invited to various ceremonies like births and weddings, sometimes deaths too (some invite ‘Rudaalis’ who are professional mourners). But I never knew the govt. had a hand in invitations! 😛
    And finally, you’re right, Hyderabad really does need a mention! I’ll come up with something.

  7. Sundeep says:

    bro…nice post….

    but u seem to be very scared of the KJs… do u think ur mindset will change after coming to US? will u be more daring in facing them when u return back to hyd for a visit…

    first lemme tell u one scene which changed my perception abt US….when I first entered USA…i was searching for my CAB that i booked to go to my univ town from the airport….and suddenly i saw this scene of 2 hot chicks…kissing…lol…i was just shocked….i told myself in mind…hey girls if i can be of some help..use me ;)….but later realized that this is truly a free country..and everyone is allowed to do whatever they like…

    Last time when I went to visit hyd… I was again as usual faced these KJs in the middle of the road in my colony!…the same KJ whom i used to face before…caught my hand in the middle of the road and the KJ told me that he/she will not leave my hand without getting some money…but this time…after watching so many offbeat scenes in US…I told the KJ…dude…do what may…why should I give u money! and I was just walking on road with him/her catching my hand…

    As i am known by many ppl in the colony(thanks to my 4 yr long business venture in the colony)…ppl were just watching me…and one of the person who knows me very well…came to me..and he was asking about when did I come back…and all that stuff…and it was pretty normal..and were in a talk….the KJ finally realized that he/she cant get anything out of me…so he/she caught my friend…lol…

    then finally we ended up not giving a single penny to the KJ…that was a great achievement for me…as I had to shell out lot of money to the KJs each time they visited my business place in the colony for 4 yrs..! thank u amrica……:)

    LOL @ your experience! You two walked holding hands? That’s an absolute ROFL moment!! 😀 😀 Man, if that happened in America, you’d face a very different kind of discrimination! Trust me! And you saw two women kissing on your very first day here! Talk about a culture shock! You lucky dog! Damn you! But yea, I see such couples strewn all over our campus. More so, given that ours was an All-women’s univ. until the 50s and even today, 57% of the student population is female! So, I get a visual treat almost everyday! 😀

  8. Haha – Very funny post.

    Reminds me, our college’s director of international student services was gay, and once was in a urinal next to my very paranoid friend. When he recognized my friend, he said hello. My friend immediately zipped up and stormed out!

    O yea! Facing gay people is a completely different ball game! I have a story on that too! Scary one! 😛

  9. padmajav says:

    Funny post!
    I remember running away from a group of KJs when I was still in school. They still freak me out.. even after reading up on them..
    Like Priya put it, sadly, its their only means of survival. Watch this movie Tamanna, starring Paresh Rawal & Puja Bhatt. A moving film.

    Thanks. Yes, they are part of the neglected stratum of the society, sadly! And yea, I’ve watched that film, it is indeed moving! Esp. the scene where she finds out about Paresh Rawal’s disguise! Finally, Welcome to my blog!

  10. Vats says:

    ROTFLMAO @ the demotion from Saaruk Kaan to Sakti Kapoor when he said he dint have chutta.

    Well…whatever the reasons behind their relentlessness, it is still a unambiguous fact that escape is impossible!
    There are in fact only 2 reasons you would ever get away…
    1. KJ has a more pressing time commitment (For example… getting to other gullible drivers b4 the light turns green)
    2. KJ has no direct physical access to you! (example…you turn down the windscreen of your car..if you r lucky enough to be driving one…or lock yourself up in the godforsaken-stinkpile-of-a-loo on the Chennai Express! )

    In any other context….well…you are…simply put…Deadmeat!! Pucker up..and Pay….or get ready for the treat of a lifetime! 🙂

    Ritik Row-sun …my sympathies are with you on this one!

    True! You shouldn’t play with your eyes like that – by refusing to pay up! 😛 If you can give them the slip, then you’re good! & LOL @ “godforsaken-stinkpile-of-a-loo on the Chennai Express!” – Nice choice of words! 😀

  11. Srikanth says:

    Nice one. well written.
    but I tend to disagree with some people to say they have no other option.
    I am not getting into debate of, how, what etc. but there would be other means of livelihood.
    I am against the “compulsive begging syndrome” which you tend to see at most traffic signals and other places.
    Latest addition to this syndrome at traffic signals of bangalore of KJs !!!

    About choosing a livelihood, I guess, over time, they’ve been conditioned to believe that prostitution and begging are the only two vocations they’re capable of pursuing! Sad, but true! :/ And yea, they’re everywhere!

  12. rads says:

    LOL 🙂

    U know, interestingly, Madras never really had very many of these. Bombay was, and I believe AP had quite a few. It is a bit sad though, their lives 🙂

    lol@your friend’s experiences. 🙂

    You just got lucky! I’ve seen many in Madras. And yea, my friend, the poor victim of visual torture!

  13. Pavan says:

    ah the song.. brought back memories when the Raju in our college who was proud of being “Raju ban haya gentleman” later realized the curse when this song came out..

    btw, wondering, why did you expect hatemail/brickbats on this?

    Well, this is a touchy subject to some. They are not all too receptive of KJ bashing (not that this was intended as one, but still!). 😛

  14. 🙂 I travelled on the Hyd-Bangalore train which was on time ALWAYS 😉

    But I used to leave from office to go to the Kacheguda station and unfortunately reached early sometimes. I’ve had KJs come to me asking for money. I even had one of them feel me up when I did not have any ( I really did not and I did not intend to give them any, really. no offence to them!) One of them refused to move and pulled my cheeks, touched my hair and basically kept touching me. I did feel horrible initially, but felt sad for them and figured after being felt by men everyday on the streets, I might as well take this too 😉

    O My God! You let them do it? Wow! You are brave, I tell you! And yea, I’ve never had complaints with Bangalore Exp., it’s only Dakshin, and Chennai Exp. that are my peeves! 😀

  15. puneet says:

    hehehehehehe… this was the sound from my vocal chords playing in the background all along while my eyes read the post…

    recalled all sorts of funny incidents ranging from hiding in bath rooms to unsuccesfully acting to sleep and every sort of “creative” way to escape but ended up being poorer by a gandhi note :(..
    Very well written!!
    For the past 5 years i’ve travelling to and fro north india – south india, south-india, norht india and have been the hritik roshan and chiranjeevi and everything but thank god!! never the shakthi kapoor 😀

    They are smarter than you think. You can run from them but you can’t hide. A lesson I thankfully learnt, not the hard way! 😛

  16. shadow says:

    Funny blog…made me laugh.Ur way of blogging is blowing & awesome!Bi di way am “Shadow” became ur regular blog visitor…
    ————-Shadow

    Thank you and welcome to my space! 🙂

  17. […] this and this for a start. Interesting episodes! Then there’s this with pictures! And then this post briefly mentions another best friend of mine who had a little rendezvous with some very different […]

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